


Prince of Matchmaking

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Chucklevoodoos, Dubious Consent, F/M, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Oral Fixation, Pre-Canon, Sex Replusion, implied past child sexual abuse, implied vomiting at one point, mind-control, same mutilation as in canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 16:59:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11971698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: If Kurloz can't have his kitty bitch...Maybe Kankri can.





	Prince of Matchmaking

As eternally grateful as you are for the world it opened to you, the Dream came at a very inopportune time. You were sleeping with your most beloved kitty-bitch, sated from some wicked love-making, when you disturbed the peace with the Vast Scream. Her heathen aural canals couldn't take the sacred noise and bled olive all over the sweat-stained sheets. She went Deaf and in turn you bite out your tongue and sewed up your lips. With your blood, you wrote you did it for her. That's only partially true, but it was a comforting lie. Everyone believed you.

After that, you tried to continue your relationship as if you two had gone Deaf and mute in some less traumatic way. You two invented a language of your very own and used it to gossip right under motherfuckers's smell slopes. In a way, you were closer since you could only truly communicate with each other. However, the physical intimacy was dead. You could only do the most tepid closed-mouth kisses and your uncleaned mouth smells so vilely rancid she could not bear to do them long. As for going farther, she was always so paranoid that something bad would happen again post coitus. She could not even bear your touch. The two of you eventually decided to just be friends.

Perhaps you could have patched up your relationship, but this loneliness is likely your destiny. You are supposed to be a vassal of the Lord, not the vassal of a peasantblood bitch. You can't bear to send her away though. You remain her good friend, though you get the feeling sometimes she hangs out with you out of obligation and a lack of alternatives.

She might not desire you but you have not stopped desiring her for any moment. You don't desire any of the other unfortunate Players like you do her. You've had sex with the Maid of Space (who hasn't?) and flirted black with the Prince of Hope (if only because turning him down in the end is such wicked fun) but your concupiscent afterlife is mostly dead.

You can't take it. You must find someway to make love to her again.

Luckily, you have the greatest psychic power the Mother Grub ever handed out: Chucklevoodoos.

The uppity cobaltbloods are proud of their Manipulate powers but they are primitive compared to the Chucklevoodoos of the purplebloods. Cobaltbloods dangle their puppets on string yet a talented purpleblood can animate their puppets. The purplebloods of Alternia, as admirably as they were, only used their powers to induce fear, yet there are so many other emotions out there to give and take. After eons of practice, you might be more successful than your Alternian counterpart.

Now, you aren't going to use your powers on Meulin. At least, not to make her have sex. You love her too much to ever rape her. Instead, you'll focus your power on some unfortunate yet very lucky soul.

Your first thought is your moirail. You already know how far you can get into his mind. However, you don't want to be a part of your pale quadrant's sex life. You have your kinks but quadrant-blurring isn't one of them.

Making sure Cronus never has sex is a kink of yours so he's out.

Then there's Kankri. The Seer of Blood who cannot see worth a damn. He thinks as a mutant that his think pan is immune but it isn't. He acts calm but behind that he radiates fear and anger at dangerous levels: Fear of being ignored and anger that no one takes him seriously. You've given him a few verbal trips over the eons, a few slips of his mask, and neither he nor his bored listener has noticed. You could take it further. Plus, he is cute. If it weren't for his obnoxious personality, he'd have everyone over him. You wouldn't mind seeing him naked. So, you chose him.

You start out by planting an interest in Meulin in his head. His ganderbulbs turn to her. Then he talks to her. At first it's the same pseudo-academic speech he gives everyone but then he asks her actual questions about her life and for once he listens to answers. Every time he listens, you reward him with a warm feeling in his pump biscuit. You feed him lines you know very well she'll lick up. When they watch movies together, you quiet his eternal rage at everything problematic. Everything she likes, he likes too. Eventually, Meulin feels flush for the perfect matesprit that you created and he feels flush for her.

You aren't surprised when Meulin and Kankri announce their matespritship but you act it. You bless their relationship. Latula is relieved to be out of Kankri's attentions. Cronus is jealous, as he is of everyone. Porrim is the only one with suspicions but you soothe her into inaction.

Your matched couple doesn't make love immediately. There's reservations on both sides. As you wait you must remind yourself constantly that there's plenty of time. The Lord of Double Death is still dormant. You don't push the couple. Your dear kitty-bitch will make love when she's ready.

Indeed, it's Meulin who brings up sex first. Kankri the virgin is scared but he says yes. You wouldn't let him say anything else. They go to a memory of a respiteblock that they think is private. They do not suspect that you are riding Kankri's mind like a hoofbeast.

When Meulin strips down, Kankri gasps and you wish you could too. It's been too long since you've seen her naked form but it's the same as last time. She isn't one of those skinny flat-chested bitches like the wannabe empress. Your kitty-bitch is a full-figured woman. Buffaloes might call her fat but she's not. Well, not in a bad way. She lies back on the bed, her shapely thighs open, her finger signing for her matesprit to come over. The coward is filled with inaction and you must prod him. He undresses his skinny body and you can see from looking down that his bulge is as small as the rest of him. You suspected as much. It would be motherfucking painful for you if the troll taking your crush was bigger than you but probably the only one bigger is Horuss. Luckily, your kitty-bitch isn't a size queen.

Truth be told, despite being proud of your size, you've never been that interested in using your bulge. The nook is the same way. You don't like having orgasms. It's the loss of control leading to a surge of emotions. You do fill the pail as a matter of course but it's simply the gross chalky mint to the meal you really savor. Making the other motherfucker fill a pail is the real main course. You used to eat that main course with your tongue before that was sacrificed to the Lord of Double Death. Kankri's tongue will have to serve as your own. With how much he uses it boring people, it should be strong.

Her nook is wide open before him, flushed and wet. Her bulge is waving like green flag. She smiles lustfully at Kankri and that means lustfully at you. Her matesprit is ready between her legs. Yet that buffalo motherfucker does absolutely nothing. You can taste her pussy but you can't truly taste it if Kankri doesn't. You keep sending the words “EAT IT” to him but nothing. What the ever-loving fuck is wrong?

An immense fear is stopping him, as immense as Meulin's fear of your touch. It's not simply the fear of a virgin having their first time. You thought you were deep in his mind but you have only been on the surface. Diving deep, you find out what you bet not even Porrim knows: Kankri is not a virgin. There was an adult and all you can find is she was a highblood and she smelled like catnip and lilacs. He refuses to think more on this. This would be a wicked discovery if it weren't for that fact keeping you from your Lord-damned goal you've worked so hard for. You can't take away a fear like that but you can give him a new fear.

You tell that coward that if he doesn't bring Meulin to orgasm with his tongue, not only will she not love him, no one will ever love him. She'll tell everyone he's a selfish lover like everyone suspects him to be. Yet he seems willing to brave this. So you tell him if he doesn't make love, that highblood has won. He can't be damaged goods. He can't be a mutant worth culling. Only this pride spurs him on. You would be amused by the irony of using his hatred of highbloods if you weren't so frantic at this point. When he starts licking, you could almost sigh.

Unfortunately, his eat game is shameful. His licks are as weak as the rest of him. You can taste Meulin for the first time in so motherfucking long and though you know she should taste sweet, to that ungrateful mutant she tastes like vinegar. You must act as his teacher, guiding him and sometimes forcing him to make every right move. You take away his inhibition and his gag reflex. This work pays off. Her unmodulated screams ring in both Kankri's and your ears. You can tell she's close and you don't let him pull away to get the pail. When she comes, you make him drink it all up as if it were Faygo poured by the Lord of Double Death.

You lose your grip on Kankri and instead take a grip on yourself. You quickly come to a wicked orgasm. When you check up on Kankri's mind, he's on the bathblock's floor clutching the load gapper seat as he cries grossly. Your Meulin is on the bed feeling bemused and neglected. She's been denied the chance to play with her new matesprit. Kankri has turned out to be unworthy of her. What a motherfucking shame.

Kankri not only breaks up with Meulin but declares himself celibate. He'd declared himself that before, but now every other line he announces it. People have their misconceptions but only you truly know why he's celibate. You think even he doesn't knows why.

As for you, you've realized you are meant to renounce sex. In trying to get around this fate, you've hurt the one troll you really care about. Such is the life for the Prince of Rage.

Luckily, the day is coming soon when none of this will matter.

  
  


 

  
  


  
  


  
  


 

 


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